Monday, December 11, 2006

Drug Tests

The Steampackets this week were all asked to provide a sample to be submitted for a random drug test. While the board claim there is nothing to be concerned about, it seems clear that at the moment they are looking for any kind of publicity to get them into the papers. Media Liaison Rob Jennings (hey, that’s me!) said: “These days you either need a drug scandal or a retirement, preferably both. I mean 6 months ago people had forgotten Ian Thorpe existed; now he’s everywhere. He’s got an album of show tunes coming out, a workout DVD and he’s even done a 6 page photo spread for Men’s Health magazine. Hopefully we can have the same kind of success with this.”

Getting the players to actually turn up for the tests has been more difficult than the board expected. President Adrian Dillon said that it’s been a struggle to actually find the players, and even harder to get them to come along to the tests. “You could say that it’s been like pulling hen’s teeth.”

One player, however, was more than happy to help out, and not just with his own. “I’ve been waiting for this for ages,” he said to the officials while leading them to a fridge fully stocked with brimming sample jars. “Which month would you like, and which players do you want to test? I don’t have them ALL here, but I do have most of them. Give me a week and I can get the rest.”

Fortunately for the players there were no traces of any kind of illegal substance found in any of the samples, although there was a high concentration of Krispemium, an ingredient used heavily by a particular fast food company. While not yet illegal, the players have all been warned to tone down their consumption of this food.

If you would like to remind yourself that these articles are supposed to be about football, then come down to Steampacket Park on Tuesday and Friday lunchtimes.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option


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