Steampackets Expansion

In a ground-breaking move, the Dollar$hop Steampackets FC, who has up until now limited itself to one sport (although some would argue that even this is not strictly true), has decided to branch out.

Tomorrow will see the first of possibly many “one-off” games of Beach Volleyball played under the proposed new banner of the Steampackets Sports Club.

Club President, Adrian Dillon, had this to say during his interview on last night’s episode of An Affair Tonight. “Moving from a football team into a fully functional sports club was always going to be an option for us. We’ve opened the Volleyball invitation to everyone, not just existing Steampackets, and we’re hoping that the Sports Club will give the Steampackets a wider appeal. I’ve ordered some poker machines, and we’ve got Jennings working on a “Tuesday Night is Schnitzel Night in our family friendly bistro!!!!!!” sign to stick out the front. We’re also looking at getting a Thirsty Camel bottle shop and a place round the back for under age smokers to hang out. It’s all coming together nicely.”

As with any change, some people are resistant. “Well the thing is,” said one player, “I’ve always loved the ambiguity of playing for a football club. People say to me “What do you do?” and I say “I play football” and they say “well how about that Wayne Carey thing eh?” and I say “Who’s Wayne Carey” and they say “He was a footballer” and I say “Well he never played for Victory” and they say “Who are Victory?” and I say “They’re a football team” and they say “They’re not in the AFL” and I say “What’s the AFL?” and they say “I thought you said you played football” and I say “I do” and they say “Like Sam Newman would say: ‘You’re an idiot’” and I say “Who’s Sam Newman?” and they say “He was a footballer” and I say “Well he never played for Victory” and they say “Who are Victory?” and I say “They’re a football team” and they say “They’re not in the AFL” and I say “What’s the AFL?” and they say “I thought you said you played football” and I say “I do” and they say “Like Sam Newman would say: ‘You’re an idiot’” and I say “Who’s Sam Newman”. It can go on like that for hours, if they let me.”

As to whether the venture will pay off, only time will tell. If it does then the Steampackets will look forward to a bright future filled with variety and new players with renewed interest. If it doesn’t then Tuesday and Friday games will be populated by the same smug curmudgeons who will claim that they knew it would never work. Either way there is always a future for the Steampackets.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Dollar$hop Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

Too Classy For Nerds

The Steampackets are reeling today after discovering that their application to appear on a special celebrity edition of Nerds F.C. was rejected on technical grounds.

External consultants have been hired to facilitate and document the team's resultant blame-storming, to create a methodology for what has been up until now an informal and ad-hoc process.

President Adrian Dillon was beside himself.

"Well, I was beside myself. But then I realised that to get behind the team I should be putting myself forward to make sure I stand shoulder to shoulder with them. Then I had to have a little sit down."

Most available fingers are currently pointing squarely at the application committee, namely Adrian Roberts, Neil Atkinson and Rob Jennings. Roberts was forced to explain the technicality which disqualified the Steampackets from this prestigious competition.

"It's really quite complicated. Apparently to be a contender on Nerds F.C. your club needs to be a little geeky; a little socially awkward. They made us fill out this test, created by an external group of psychological evaluators, to gauge our level of geekiness. It turns out we were too classy for them. Now every one is saying we should have fudged the test a little to help us get in, but I'm not sure you can do that on a psychological test, can you?"

The Steampackets wish the Hurlstone Park Warriors, an all female team from Sydney, all the best in the competition, and also wish the Nerds all the best at the after party.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

Nerds

There has been renewed interest in the Steampackets in recent weeks. So much so that the committee has decided to re-open it media department.

As expected, this renewed interest has resulted an influx of new recruits.

When asked to comment on the larger turnouts, seemingly eternal club president Adrian Dillon had this to say:

"We're very happy with the current turnout. In fact there are more people playing at the moment than there was at a time when we had fewer people playing."

So many people in fact that, after some negotiations made through the Steampackets legal firm, Gringo and Sons, the club has won the opportunity to register with the television sports program, Nerds FC.

As there are one or two self confessed "nerds" in the Steampackets, the question has been asked, what is it that attracts nerds to football?

After a budget approval, a quick purchase at Fantastic Furniture meant that a special Steampackets sub-committee could be formed to conduct a "round table" to discuss this very issue.

At a press conference afterwards, club secretary Adrian Roberts summed it up.

"Well you see, the one thing that all nerds love, whether they are computer nerds, sci-fi nerds, D&D nerds, movie nerds or even Britney nerds, is correcting people. '

You can't read a blog site without finding some nerd telling you how wrong everyone else is, and how right it should be. 'How could the Enterprise shoot photon torpedoes out of its phaser ports?'. Nerds love to show how right they are, and there's no easier way to do that in Australia than correct people when they use the word 'soccer'."

Since the 1st of January, 2005, when the 'Australia Soccer Association' was renamed 'Football Federation Australia' nerds countrywide rejoiced in a new piece of useless and incredibly annoying information to correct people with, and their love of the game only grew from there.

It seems only natural that the ever inquisitive nature of the nerd lead him (or in rare cases her) to actually try the game.

If you would like a chance to join the team before they become too famous, come down to Steampacket Park on Tuesday and Friday lunchtimes.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

Drug Tests

The Steampackets this week were all asked to provide a sample to be submitted for a random drug test. While the board claim there is nothing to be concerned about, it seems clear that at the moment they are looking for any kind of publicity to get them into the papers. Media Liaison Rob Jennings (hey, that’s me!) said: “These days you either need a drug scandal or a retirement, preferably both. I mean 6 months ago people had forgotten Ian Thorpe existed; now he’s everywhere. He’s got an album of show tunes coming out, a workout DVD and he’s even done a 6 page photo spread for Men’s Health magazine. Hopefully we can have the same kind of success with this.”

Getting the players to actually turn up for the tests has been more difficult than the board expected. President Adrian Dillon said that it’s been a struggle to actually find the players, and even harder to get them to come along to the tests. “You could say that it’s been like pulling hen’s teeth.”

One player, however, was more than happy to help out, and not just with his own. “I’ve been waiting for this for ages,” he said to the officials while leading them to a fridge fully stocked with brimming sample jars. “Which month would you like, and which players do you want to test? I don’t have them ALL here, but I do have most of them. Give me a week and I can get the rest.”

Fortunately for the players there were no traces of any kind of illegal substance found in any of the samples, although there was a high concentration of Krispemium, an ingredient used heavily by a particular fast food company. While not yet illegal, the players have all been warned to tone down their consumption of this food.

If you would like to remind yourself that these articles are supposed to be about football, then come down to Steampacket Park on Tuesday and Friday lunchtimes.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

Getting Sandy

“The Steampackets first game of Beach Football was a roaring success and the team look forward to many more over the summer.”

This is the official statement published today in a Media Release by the Steampackets’ Board.

“Try saying that to my scraped knee,” said the ever bitter Kim Mazaraki. “It was bad enough after I had the fall, but then they had to go and put the stingy stuff on it, and that REALLY hurt. I didn’t cry though, honest.”

Mazaraki, who spent the remainder of Friday cheering himself up with an icy pole and a good lie down, is not the only one who is uncertain about the new style of play. A number of anonymous players (and many who wished to be named, but who don’t deserve the spotlight) have raised concerns about the sand on the ground.

“It gets everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE” said one Steampacket, who was walking gingerly towards the showers.

“The glare from the sun was so strong that I had to take of my fashionable sunglasses and put on my functional ones instead.”

President Adrian Dillon, however, was quite forthright on the matter.

“Look, if you can't stand the heat then you’ll spoil the broth, it’s as simple as that.”

If you would like a chance to play in the sand, then come down to Steampacket Park on Tuesdays and Fridays. And don’t forget, if you can’t play football you can always build a sandcastle.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

Beach Soccer

With summer just around the corner, any casual observer can tell that the Steampackets have been working harder than ever to keep in shape and look fantastic.

Club Manager, Adrian Roberts explains. “We’re trying out a new demonstration sport for the X-treme Summer Games: Beach Soccer. It will essentially be the same game that we usually play except that it’s on sand and, of course, everyone will be wearing skimpy clothing. Luke in particular is excited about dusting off his speedos for this one.”

Treasurer Kim Mazaraki was keen to describe his reasoning behind funding this venture. “It all started a couple of weeks ago, when club benefactor Barry Campbell mentioned that he had a trailer load of sand going cheap if we wanted it. Being the shrewd investor that I am, I couldn’t pass that kind of opportunity up. One thing led to another, and we ended up with this:”

“The step from this to starting a beach team was really a very small one.”

If you would like to get a bit sandy, then the Steampackets sessions will be at Johnston park until the beach is ready.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option

New Groundskeeper

There was outcry from the players this week over the state of the Steampackets’ pitch, pictured. A new groundskeeper has recently been hired and there have been doubts as to his ability.

Treasurer Kim Mazaraki, who is currently conducting research into international pitches, was given free reign with company funds to hire the new keeper. “This guy had done a sterling job on Telstra Dome and he said that he was confident that he could bring a little bit of that magic to the Steampackets,” said Mazaraki in a phone interview. “Personally I think it looks great, just like the pitches they have here in Dubai.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said one anonymous player, when asked about the state of the pitch. “I haven’t actually played in a few months, so I can’t really comment.” When asked why he chose to be interviewed on this particular topic he simply replied, “I always wanted to be interviewed for the telly. This is going on the telly isn’t it?”

Another, more useful, player said, “We thought the new ball was hard, but this is ridiculous. Now when Vale kicks the ball it goes so far that we have to get a lift with the helicopter guy just so we can get it back.”

Of course the Steampackets management are doing everything they can to shift the blame. “It’s all to do with the water restrictions,” said President Adrian Dillon, in one of his more lucid moments. “Apparently we can only water on days that match our address, and so we’re waiting until the Steampacket Parkth of October.”

If you like it hard and fast, then come down to Steampacket Park on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Rob Jennings,

Steampackets Media Liaison.

The Callista Steampackets: Skill is not an Option